As regular readers (there's a couple, honest. Although there might not be after this entry) will know, Ak's blog tends to deal with the weighty issues while I am often content to focus on the crap. Quite literally in this case.
I've deliberated about this for some time and there is no way of skirting around the issue. I'll be blunt: for at least a fortnight there has been a cack of quite monstrous proportions not far from my house and on my route to work. I am appalled and yet thrilled by it on a daily basis. Seriously, it's HUGE. Both in length and girth. Especially girth. If ever a scat was deserving of the euphemism 'a dead otter', then this is it.
I live in fear of ever encountering the beast that laid this cable. Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised if it died of severe trauma and exhaustion shortly after.If that's what it leaves behind, what the hell does it eat? I've seen smaller dogs. Barry White's Boxing Day dump wouldn't come close.
The title refers to 'Turd Scene Investigation: Brixton'. Don't bet against that appearing on a cable channel soon. The use of the scaling device should in no way reflect upon the quality of that product. To help you fully grasp the gargantuan magnitude of it: that piece of card is just over 21cm long and approximately 4cm wide. That must be like giving birth. To a mudbaby.
10 comments:
Hmmmm...
I was expecting something huge, and, whilst bigger than your average street-dump, it's not the biggest poo I've seen, disregarding ruminants and pachyderms, of course. I still think I have seen bigger produced by humanoids.
In fact, I wonder how large my efforts would be, were I to spread them on the street rather than their traditional depository... the bed. Sometimes I metaphorically dance a merry jig on Thomas Crapper's grave when I manage to block the bog with my efforts. How big would those turds look smeared on the Brixton curb?
This calls for some empirical investigation.
'Bola, had someone already placed the fruit and fibre sign next to the poo in an attempt at humour, or did you have to bend down and put it next to it?
Munch, I deliberately took that with me as a makeshift comparison device. I would have used a ruler if I could find one. I measured the card later: 21 x 4cm.
Next!
Tom, how did you remember to take the pic?
Well, Gaz, as you asked, I formed an Implementation Intention. Thus: 'I will do X in place Y at time Z' (see Gollwitzer & Presswinkle, 2006). So, last night I made a note that I would [take a picture of the big poo] on [Rattray Road] at [the time I head into work]. Applied Psychology.
Ah, that settles my curiosity - good application of cutting edge psyc, that is. Marvelous.
Why did someone have to do it in public? Do you think they anticipated something of extreme (>21x4cm) proportions? Did they eat the Fruit 'n' Fibre? Prof, was it you?!
I have no idea if this was the work of man nor beast Moon. Which reminds me, I once saw a man crapping by a tree in Hyde Park in Leeds. At about 4pm on a sunny day. That was pleasant.
One thing I will say is that the state of the pavements in this particular area of Brixton is absolutely revolting: I don't think I've ever seen anyone walking a dog around here yet the pavement is like a bloody obstacle course. Disgusting. I can only assume that some BASTARD gets up mega early to take the dog out and let it crap all over the pavement. I should set up watch.
I've just been doing some thinking. I have a PhD and yet why is shit so funny? It was funny enough yesterday talking about it, but this is the second time today that I've literally being crying with laughter when reading this (remember in B28 when we were reading the 'the worst thing' and all the girls were tutting at us?)... Ace blog.
I concur: shit is funny.
If there are no dogs to be seen Prof then it's prob just the workings of some Brixton locals. Mmm! Btw I saw someone crapping in Woodhouse last year. They probably thought it would improve the place.
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