Two important questions about newsreaders

1. Fenella Fudge, Ricky Salmon and Andrew Peach. What is it about Radio 2 newsreaders and food?

2. Is Matt Frei's nickname 'Arbeit'?

That is all.

Cloudy with a chance of olio bowlio

Over the last twelve days (what was I thinking?!) I've provided a comprehensive selection of imaginative and exciting cheese recipes, sure to make any Christmas buffet the best ever. But all good things must come to an end. On the 12th day then, my true love gave to me....


I'm stumped. Any ideas?

Merry Christmas everyone!

Let the trumpets play and the heavens rejoice

Ok ladies and gentlemen, it's the one you've been waiting for. It's not a myth, this really does exist. Enjoy.

Get into that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans!

Put a bit of pickle on it, father

The kids are alright! Today, day 10 - oh man, only 2 left!, we present a selection of the finest cheese recipes for children. You get loads to go at today. I was particularly interested in the presentation and creativity on display here. Being geunine for a moment - some of the constructions are really quite impressive! Check out the bunk bed!



And here are Cheesy Fishing Smacks. A 'smack' of course being a boat, although I'd be intrigued (not to say revolted) by a recipe combining cheese and the popular Dig'Em frog-fronted breakfast cereal. Judging by some of the concoctions included in the book though, I wouldn't bet against someone having a bash at it.


Right, I'm off down to the cheese aisle at Morrisons....

Qwiz Qwiztofferson

Good news earlier: recent trip to London wasn't a waste of time, been shortlisted and, if selected, filming takes place in January. Better get back practising on Sporcle. This and this are great and here's one that Munch should enjoy.

In the context of recent blogs, I ought to be having a bash at this.

Do you think the photographer said, 'Say cheese!'?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

On the ninth day, I decided it was time to provide some background information about the book and its origins. The collection is the result of of a 'highly successful, nationwide' competition initiated by the English Country Cheese Council (don't bother googling, it sadly looks like they no longer exist), titled 'Making your mark with English cheese'. Imagine a pasteurised precursor to Britain's Got Talent.

Over 14,000 recipes (!) were submitted and judged by a panel including Mary Berry. The book contains a selection of the 200+ finest. According to the inside cover blurb, it 'will appeal to everyone who loves to cook or who needs new ideas for inventive and nourishing meals from cheese'. Safe to assume that 'Cheestrings' would not fall into this category.

And if your name and recipe featuring in the book was not enough, the prizewinners got to visit the House of Commons. Here they are doing just that:



Well done all. You'll see that the rosette logo indicates chapter winners. These included the Blue Stilton, Walnut & Grape Charlotte (best Starter) and 'Yellow Submarine' (best Children's Favourite, come back later in the week), as well as several ones that aren't funny.

And today's recipe? It sounds like the contents of my PE kit bag after being left in my locker for too long: Cheddar crusties!

What do you call someone else's cheese?

Nacho cheese.

No recipe as such today (Day 8 of our 12 days of cheesemas), but instead a selection of handy tips and hints. It really is a wonderful book you know.

this next one would fit seamlessly into the 'Top Tips' section of Viz:

and finally a special festive suggestion. I've included the bottom of a recipe here too due to the wonderfully named sender:

Forever in blue cheese

Because I can't stand blue cheese, today's recipe certainly would not be to my taste. That said, I think that I can see how to mouldy cheese fans this could work. It sounds like the ingredients go together far more winningly than, say, haddock, bananas and cheese. I could imagine these being the contents of a fancy vol-au-vent, perhaps at the Ambassador's reception, pre-Ferrero Rocher pyramid).

But. There's a problem: the accompanying photo (serving suggestion) does it no favours whatsoever. It looks revolting. And huge! Think of the whiff coming off of that after two hours sat in the corner of the church hall!

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.....a cheesy fish surprise

Divorce proceedings were issued that afternoon

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa, cheesy mushrooms! Zero visibility. Cheesy mushrooms! Coming from the body heat

At least I think that's how it goes.



[If we're not careful this could easily tip over into discussion of arse feta and helmet brie. And we certainly don't want that - Ed.]

Clumsy attempt to crowbar today's cheese recipe into an existing joke

Twelve days of Cheesemas, Day 4:

'Hello Doctor, your nurse said it was urgent?'
'That's right Mr. Gurney. Please, take a seat. We have your test results back and I'm afraid that it's serious.'
'It's ok Doctor. Be honest with me. I need to hear the truth....why are you wearing a facemask?'
'You have a rare condition known as Cheddicks. I'm afraid that in your case it is a particularly virulent and contagious strain.'
'Oh God.....Is there anything that you can do?'
'Well, we're going to get you on a strict diet of Ryvita and lettuce.'
'Will that do any good?'
'I've no idea, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.'

It ain't easy being cheesy

Titles aside, some of the recipes included in Winning Ways with Cheese are really quite something. Today's recipe is particularly mindboggling. Unlike Aubergine Erotica (the title of a vegan porno?), the contents of the recipe are immediately obvious from its name. It's just that the contents would surely never be considered easy bedfellows.



I would LOVE to try this on Masterchef.
Gregg: So, Tombola, what makes you think you can win Masterchef?
Me: Well, Gregg, I feel I've got my own unique style and a real imagination for flavours.
Michel [quietly, to camera]: Haddock and almonds, ok. But bananas? He's going down like a ton of bricks!

Of all the recipes in the book, this is probably the one that intrigues me most. I'd be tempted to give it a whirl, only CP was almost sick at the description of it. Haddock. Almonds. Bananas. And of course cheese. It's like someone going berserk on Ready Steady Cook.

And here is how it should look:

Mmmmm!

Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em

Ok, Aubergine Erotica is one thing, but let's cut to the quick: the bulk of the laughs from 'Winning Ways with Cheese' came from far more puerile recipe names. Such as this, the second in our festive selection (perhaps an eager reader might wish to create all of the 12, and put on a smashing buffet* over Christmas? It would look a bit like the Iceland advert currently starring Jason Donovan):

Quite apt for Christmas this one. After all, Chef's 'Chocolate Salty Balls' came very close to being a Christmas no. 1.


* Probably not a good idea for the lactose intolerant

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.....aubergine erotica

I've recently alluded to receiving a briliant gift, so time to explain. During my time in sixth form, free periods would often be spent in the school library. Occasionally doing homework, but more often doing things like testing each other on the contents of the Top 10 of Everything (1995) (this included morbid gems like the Top 10 serial killers by numbers of confirmed victims), or daring each other to climb through the serving-hatch like hole in one of the walls between rooms without being spotted and thrown out by the Librarian. But when we weren't debating the position of ET in the Top 10 highest grossing films, we would be enjoying 'Winning Ways with Cheese'.

I don't know who discovered this magnificent tome, but it rapidly became the most sought-after book in the library. Well, among me and my mates anyway. Simply, it's a big book of cheese recipes. Not that exciting really, but when you're a 17 year old boy (or, for that matter, a 29 year old) then the book offers a vast expanse of hilarious potential. It was basically the names of some of the recipes that would set us off, and you can probably guess the kind of level of comedy that we're talking about. I'm amazed (and glad) that the book was never stolen from the Library. Many times it was deliberately hidden away in different sections only to be rediscovered weeks later and the enjoyment would begin all over again. Since leaving school I've banged on about this book on numerous occasions. Mere mention of the title alone will result in people who have never actually seen the book respond instantly with 'Olio Bowlio'!

Good friend Moon was recently over at ours and she's a big fan of cheese. Inevitably, I started talking about the book that had provided so much pleasure during my sixth form years. So it was with immense delight that, a couple of weeks later, Moon presented me with my very own copy which she had tracked down on the internet for the bargain price of 61p.

To celebrate, and because it's now Advent, I'll be providing a classic recipe from the book each day for the next 12 days*. What better way to begin, then, but with....


You weren't expecting that were you? That must be a googlewhack, right there. Aubergine Erotica! Cheese is really only a secondary ingredient there isn't it? If anyone fancies making this, please do let me know how it goes. Or even better, send me a photo and I'll put it up here.

God rest ye merry, god rest ye.

*Yes, I know that the 12 days of Christmas actually begins on Christmas Day, but it was either this or one for every day of Advent and I couldn't see myself sticking to that