Circle of Willis

Ever met your doppelganger? I hope not - it's bad news if you do. When I was younger, I had an Usborne book of Mysteries. In it there was a section on ghosts and I remember being pretty intrigued by it. There was a small mention of doppelgangers and the myth that if you ever came face to face with your doppelganger, you would die soon after. The belief stuck with me. Which explains why one night in the mid-90s, in front of the TV, a cold chill went down my spine. My family were watching ‘The Saturday Night Armistice’ with smug-faced funny man Armando Iannucci and there was a scene where odd-faced funny man David Schneider was interacting with the audience. Directly in front of the person Schneider was talking to was, well, my doppleganger. Usually when people say ‘you look like X’, I think ‘yeah yeah, he’s got dark hair and big eyebrows, well done’. But this was scary – it was like looking in a mirror. My sister found it hilarious. I was genuinely scared.

Back before TFI Friday imploded up its own ginger arse, it featured a popular feature called ‘Freak or unique’. This involved ordinary folk coming on and doing extraordinary things, such as drinking milk and then crying it out of their eyes, or making their eyes pop out of their head. For some reason I can remember one week a middle-aged bloke came on. He was billed as the man of 1000 faces and his USP was that he looked like loads of people. He stood and faced the camera while about 30 pictures of famous people popped up on screen around him. I think one of them was Ian McShane from Lovejoy.

During my recent holiday, two people commented on my resemblance to other people. This is not an uncommon occurrence. I’ve been getting it since I was a kid. Indeed, one family holiday several years ago was tarnished by some old bag in a Gloucestershire tearoom eagerly telling my parents “May I say that your son looks awfully like Rowan Atkinson”. Yeah, thanks for that. Clearly, those wounds cut deep. Although Rowan Atkinson/Mr Bean/Blackadder is by far the most common, my facial features are apparently shared by many others. When I was totting up the lookalikes I was planning on presenting them in the style of a football team, but as the numbers sped beyond 11, that idea was scrapped. I now almost have enough for 2 whole teams. These are all genuine – on at least one occasion I have been told that I look like each of these people.

So, here, ladies and gentlemen, is the Tombola lookey-likey chart rundown:

19
A broad one to kick things off: various members of the Greek national football team. When Greece won the European Championships in 2004, practically every time a player appeared in close-up, friends would look at me and snigger. (See also the Georgian football team).


18
Marti Pellow
This one doesn’t strictly fulfil the criteria of the list as nobody has actually said it to me in person. It was said in response to a picture of me somewhere else on the internet - unfortunately I can't find it right now, but will try and add it later.



In with a bang at 17, it’s: Mohammed Atta

In September 2001, I got a new student ID card. I was sporting cropped hair and a stern expression. Also in September 2001, Atta’s mugshot appeared in the world’s press, sporting cropped hair and a stern expression. Cue finger pointing and much hilarity. I look like a terrorist. Ho ho ho.




16 Paul from Neighbours.


On searching for this chap, I learned that he is now a successful Aussie Rules player.


15 Joey Rainbow from Home & Away

Not a lot to say about this one either, aside from him having a ridiculous name. Both him and Paul were in their respective Aussies soaps in the early-90s.




14 Karate Kid



Nothing to say here. Think I only collected this one once.





13 'Andy' from Guess Who


While in New Zealand, a small girl found it hilarious that I looked like someone from the popular game.



12 Danny Bhoy

This is actually the first time I have looked for a picture of this clearly very handsome chap. He’s a comedian. A mate sent me a text a couple of years ago from the Edinburgh Festival gleefully informing me of yet another lookalike.





11 A mystery ‘very nice man’

This one’s just in for Matt really. We were on the bus en route to an exam (GCSE?) when a woman started telling me that I looked incredibly like someone she once knew:
‘He was a lovely man. He’s dead now. Are you his son?’
‘Er… no’.



10 Patrick Duffy

I swear I’m not making these up. A woman I briefly worked with at Debenhams provided this one.






9 Andy Caddick

Do me a favour. The guy who said this was surely taking the piss, right? Right? Look at his ears!






8 The Count from Sesame Street

A couple of people during A-levels found it very funny to say ‘One ha ha ha…two ha ha ha’ to me.





7 Nwankwo Kanu

During my first year of University, one of my housemates came to the hilarious realisation that I resembled a white Nwankwo Kanu. I was never sure whether they were joking or not.





Magically appearing at 6, David Copperfield

New today actually. I texted Potts (the one who pointed out Danny Bhoy) to ask which look-alikes he could think of and among the usual, he came out with this. He also suggested the anteater from the Pink Panther, and John Merrick. Cheers.





5 George Harrison

Another one I collected in New Zealand. I once dressed up as him while performing in a strange Beatles-tribute act at a school event. When I say 'perform', I mean pretending to play something that didn't look even remotely like a guitar that was made from two bits of foam and a metal pole.




4 Some scrawny whelp from a newspaper cutting



Sadly, I have absolutely no idea who this kid is. When I lived with a group of mates in 2002/3, this pic was torn from a paper and stuck on the kitchen wall. The comment refers to a 6th form excursion when I was supposedly caught body-popping topless in front of the mirror.







3 Nick Cotton


Ever actually wanted a plane that you are on to crash? I’ve come close. Picture the scene: flying back from Ibiza with a group of mates. The plane is full of groups of young, rowdy men and women. A stewardess walks down the aisle, spots me and shrieks, ‘It’s Nick Cotton innit? Nick Cotton!’.
Ma, I've changed ma. Lend us a tenner? Etc.



2 Rowan Atkinson

The bane of my childhood. I dreaded the morning after a new Mr Bean episode was on and the impending school taunts. My heart sank when I learned there was going to be a goddam film of the bastard*. Yeah, so Atkinson is a funny guy. But years of schoolyard mockery can really change the way you view people. I’m releasing some festering emotions here, but why do people (usually dickheads in bars) feel the need to loudly shout out that you look like someone? I can think of several occasions where this has happened and it still f**ks me off. There’s no way you can respond to it either: unless you want to end up getting smacked, you just have to politely chuckle as if it’s the first time you heard it, while inwardly cursing and wishing that you were a trained ninja. My usual solution is just to head in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. And then fire up my blood pressure by stewing over it for the rest of the evening and imagining violence upon the protagonists.

*Just imagine my joy this weekend when perusing the latest issue of Empire – a new Mr. Bean film is out soon! Hurrah!


1 Darius Danesh

Top of the charts, where he always wanted to be. At last! One who is actually considered ‘quite attractive’!