I had a slightly unusual dilemma yesterday morning: I was on Brixton High Street, holding a pot of my own urine and didn't know what to do with it.
I should colour this one in a bit. I registered with a new GP last week and was booked in for a standard health check. Part of which required me to bring a urine sample. Unfortunately, on the morning of the appointment I slept in, only just leaving me enough time to shower and wee into a tube (not necessarily in that order). I dashed out of the house, ran to the appointment and ended up being 10 minutes late. I was told that this was too late - the nurse would be unable to see me and I would need to reschedule. So I'm stood at the reception, breathing heavily and arranging a suitable appointment in my diary. It was then that I remembered the special package in my coat pocket! 'Do you want that anyway?' I asked, waving the bottle at the receptionist.
'No,' came the reply.
'Ok', I mumbled and it went back into the pocket, along with a fresh tube for me to collect sample #2.
Back outside, I was confused. What would I do with my wee? For a few minutes I stood outside the surgery, walking a couple of steps, taking the bottle out of my pocket, putting it back, taking it out again. My internal dialogue went a bit like this:
"I could carry it to work and pour it down the toilet.....but I don't want to sit on the tube with a load of wee in my pocket! [Although I probably wouldn't be alone if I did choose to do this, judging by some of the people you see on there in the evening]. What if it burst in my pocket/bag? Urgh! My diary would go all pissy! ..... I could pour it away in the street......yes, I've relieved myself in the street before but that was after booze and seemed normal. Pouring a bottle of wee away in broad daylight would be weird...... I could drink it! There was a thing in the paper yesterday (
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/health_
medical/article346805.ece) about the alleged health benefits of auto-urine therapy - anti-cancer properties! .... Don't be stupid! I'll just throw it in this bin. What if a tramp drinks it? Then that's their problem. And at least they won't get cancer. But I can't just leave it in a bin?! Yes, you can. You're going to be late for work. Leave it."
So I did.
* if anyone's playing spot-the-lyric from the title, award yourself 5 points if you went for 'Outside' by the Beta Band.
http://www.betaband.com/press/reviews-heroes-to-zeros.php#sunday-herald
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11 comments:
I was faced with a similar situation when stuck on the A64 between York and Leeds a couple of weekends back. The whole road was entirely blocked by what must have been a pretty serious accident, meaning that I had been sitting in my cold, unheated car for over an hour (the heater has never worked in the car... it is very annoying!).
It was at this point that I was suddenly overcome by the urge to piss. Not a normal, passing urge, but one of those urges you get when you're fumbling for your keys to get into the house, desperately battling your slackening bladder which seems to anticipate the proximity of toilet yet does not take into account your need to open the door and race upstairs before you can relieve it. Having held on for too long, but fearing that if I were to get out of the car and go on a grassy verge the traffic would move off (leaving me, pants down, having to race across a fluidly moving road), I made a hasty decision and pissed in an empty 1 litre bottle of mineral water.
I was amazed... both by how much there was and how warm it was. I filled the bottle with ease and had to cut myself off lest I make the next few hours waiting in sodden pants exceeding uncomfortable. In addition, I was astounded at the heat-giving properties of fresh urine. What a sight it must have been, me cuddled up on the A64 with my bottle full of steaming warm piss. I might have frozen to death on that lonely road without it.
After waiting another hour or so, the traffic started moving and I managed to make it back to Leeds. I was faced with a similar dilemma as to what to do with the urea-filled receptacle and also opted for the bin. It seemed a shame to throw it away but what other option was there... By that time it was cold anyway.
Isn't this the second piss-related escapade you've had in recent months Shak? Are you now captain slackbladder, or are you turning into a future watersports superstar?
;-)
Saly I fear I am probably Captain Slackbladder. This, combined with being a Major Tightarse takes some doing, I think.
funnily enough, I remember an incident where Akira and I suddenly, desperately and simultaneously needed to wee on the way home from the pub. Do you remember this Ak? Perhaps not, as your wee went smoothly. and this seems to happen to you a lot. I, on the other hand, managed to set off a security light just as I squatted, and found myself weeing while in a blinding spotlight (it was past the point of no return).
For sample #2 Willis, dont use your first 'void' of the day- no nurse wants to deal with a dark wee.
I do indeed remember that frankien.
It was, indeed, comic and as a result I now always look for potential 'luminance hazards' before relieving myself. I consider myself something of an expert in the area... you try relieving yourself into a bottle of mineral water... (don't bring gender into this, it's not an issue... is it?)
Couple of things:
1. Munch - I did use my first release of the day, and the nurse seemed happy enough with it. I again left the house late and had to run to the surgery. I made it in time but the sample did end up with a slight head. Anyway, I'm sure you'll be delighted to know that all tests came up fine.
2. Former housemate and current NME starlet, Tim 'Jonze' Jones once needed a wee but could not get into the bathroom as 2 of my other housemates were getting it on in the bath. He refused to go outside and ended up pissing into an empty cordial bottle. I was outside his room giggling about the situation when I heard a yelp. I wasn't allowed in but Tim worriedly told me that he'd managed to form some kind of vacuum, sealing his helmet into the bottle. I began laughing even harder (you could even say I was pissing myself). Fortunately, he managed to free the hostage and, as far as I am aware, there is no lasting damage.
Look how pissing has created a lively debate. Heart-warming (heart, Akira).
Nurses usually request the first piss of the day, don't they? Not sure why. Enriched with sleepy nutrients?! You could experiment with not drinking any water the previous day and seeing how dark you can get it. DV = whether you can get the nurse to gasp or not. Although no bonus points for the fact that you're just giving out unrequested dark piss. You'll have to wait until it's next required, I think...
x
I like your empirical approach moon.
Trying to get your piss as dark as possible sounds horrible! Reminds me of a line from The Usual Suspects where Kevin Spacey talks about picking coffee beans in Guatemala , describing how he got so dehydrated his piss came out like treacle. I suppose if you're devoted to your science, you may as well, but I fail to see the research question on this one.
A
Er, can Professor Willis get a nurse to gasp by handing over a pot of really dark piss?
Hmmm....I'll see what I can do. I was there this morning and whipping out some wee would have made the nurse gasp I'm sure - I was there for an asthma check-up. I think that the article about drinking your own fluids (see original blog) mentioned that the breaking of the seal after rising would provide the most nutrient-packed sample.
Do you think it's time I added another entry?
Where has all the blogging enthusiasm gone?
Tombola... you can't bask in the glory of a 10-comment post for the rest of your life.
Say something witty... go on... you know you want to.
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