Whoaaaaaaaaaaa, cheesy mushrooms! Zero visibility. Cheesy mushrooms! Coming from the body heat

At least I think that's how it goes.



[If we're not careful this could easily tip over into discussion of arse feta and helmet brie. And we certainly don't want that - Ed.]

Clumsy attempt to crowbar today's cheese recipe into an existing joke

Twelve days of Cheesemas, Day 4:

'Hello Doctor, your nurse said it was urgent?'
'That's right Mr. Gurney. Please, take a seat. We have your test results back and I'm afraid that it's serious.'
'It's ok Doctor. Be honest with me. I need to hear the truth....why are you wearing a facemask?'
'You have a rare condition known as Cheddicks. I'm afraid that in your case it is a particularly virulent and contagious strain.'
'Oh God.....Is there anything that you can do?'
'Well, we're going to get you on a strict diet of Ryvita and lettuce.'
'Will that do any good?'
'I've no idea, but it's the only thing that will fit under the door.'

It ain't easy being cheesy

Titles aside, some of the recipes included in Winning Ways with Cheese are really quite something. Today's recipe is particularly mindboggling. Unlike Aubergine Erotica (the title of a vegan porno?), the contents of the recipe are immediately obvious from its name. It's just that the contents would surely never be considered easy bedfellows.



I would LOVE to try this on Masterchef.
Gregg: So, Tombola, what makes you think you can win Masterchef?
Me: Well, Gregg, I feel I've got my own unique style and a real imagination for flavours.
Michel [quietly, to camera]: Haddock and almonds, ok. But bananas? He's going down like a ton of bricks!

Of all the recipes in the book, this is probably the one that intrigues me most. I'd be tempted to give it a whirl, only CP was almost sick at the description of it. Haddock. Almonds. Bananas. And of course cheese. It's like someone going berserk on Ready Steady Cook.

And here is how it should look:

Mmmmm!

Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em

Ok, Aubergine Erotica is one thing, but let's cut to the quick: the bulk of the laughs from 'Winning Ways with Cheese' came from far more puerile recipe names. Such as this, the second in our festive selection (perhaps an eager reader might wish to create all of the 12, and put on a smashing buffet* over Christmas? It would look a bit like the Iceland advert currently starring Jason Donovan):

Quite apt for Christmas this one. After all, Chef's 'Chocolate Salty Balls' came very close to being a Christmas no. 1.


* Probably not a good idea for the lactose intolerant

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.....aubergine erotica

I've recently alluded to receiving a briliant gift, so time to explain. During my time in sixth form, free periods would often be spent in the school library. Occasionally doing homework, but more often doing things like testing each other on the contents of the Top 10 of Everything (1995) (this included morbid gems like the Top 10 serial killers by numbers of confirmed victims), or daring each other to climb through the serving-hatch like hole in one of the walls between rooms without being spotted and thrown out by the Librarian. But when we weren't debating the position of ET in the Top 10 highest grossing films, we would be enjoying 'Winning Ways with Cheese'.

I don't know who discovered this magnificent tome, but it rapidly became the most sought-after book in the library. Well, among me and my mates anyway. Simply, it's a big book of cheese recipes. Not that exciting really, but when you're a 17 year old boy (or, for that matter, a 29 year old) then the book offers a vast expanse of hilarious potential. It was basically the names of some of the recipes that would set us off, and you can probably guess the kind of level of comedy that we're talking about. I'm amazed (and glad) that the book was never stolen from the Library. Many times it was deliberately hidden away in different sections only to be rediscovered weeks later and the enjoyment would begin all over again. Since leaving school I've banged on about this book on numerous occasions. Mere mention of the title alone will result in people who have never actually seen the book respond instantly with 'Olio Bowlio'!

Good friend Moon was recently over at ours and she's a big fan of cheese. Inevitably, I started talking about the book that had provided so much pleasure during my sixth form years. So it was with immense delight that, a couple of weeks later, Moon presented me with my very own copy which she had tracked down on the internet for the bargain price of 61p.

To celebrate, and because it's now Advent, I'll be providing a classic recipe from the book each day for the next 12 days*. What better way to begin, then, but with....


You weren't expecting that were you? That must be a googlewhack, right there. Aubergine Erotica! Cheese is really only a secondary ingredient there isn't it? If anyone fancies making this, please do let me know how it goes. Or even better, send me a photo and I'll put it up here.

God rest ye merry, god rest ye.

*Yes, I know that the 12 days of Christmas actually begins on Christmas Day, but it was either this or one for every day of Advent and I couldn't see myself sticking to that

Lethal Quizzle

It seems I can't get enough of televisual humiliation - this weekend I'll be auditioning for another TV quiz show. Filming would be in January I think but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

So far I've very little to show for my efforts, so fingers crossed that my trip to London doesn't turn into a(nother) pointless exercise.

Postcard from heaven

I tried to buy one a lot like this last year

It's RCA Secret time once again. The cards have been on display for the last week and tomorrow it's sale time. This time last year we were planning night bus routes across London and seeing how many layers we could put on while still permitting comfortable movement. Having moved north, we won't be repeating the experience this year but had we been nearer then I'd have definitely been there again.

Think I'd lost sensation in my feet by this point. Good times!

Twelve months on and we're finally getting our cards from last year framed.

Best of luck to those attending, hope you manage to pick up what you're aiming for.

Yo, Boyle! Check this out!

Tombola, last night:


Recipes to follow, cheese freaks!

All together now...

...when the grass is jewelled and the silk inside a chestnut shell...

Yes, I know it is Autumn DAYS but I couldn't help humming it when waiting at Huddersfield Station last night. I half-expected to be questioned by a member of staff for use of a camera on the platform. Would have been fun explaining it.

Previous school-hymn-based blog action here whipped-up spray that is rainbow-scattered fans!

Something wonderful...

...happened earlier today. I'll tell you about it soon.

There's one person in particular who visits here that will quite likely be very excited indeed....

Found: Chas & Dave's notepad!

Found this scrap in the street a few days ago and there are loads of things that I love about it. I'd wager that the majority of football fans have at one time or another had a go at selecting their first XI, but this takes it further by also listing the manager and chairman (there tend to be few alternatives in those positions). Despite having no difficulty with 'Huddlestone' or 'Naughton' (wot, no Corluka?), they really struggled with Len...Lenn...Lennon. And the finish leaves the reader (or scrap picker-upper) in no doubt of their allegiance: 'I AM A SPURS FAN - THE MEN FROM WHITE HART LANE'.

But that's not all! Flip it upside down and it looks like somebody is in the process of being evicted. All very strange.

Unctuous Buck

Being a big fan of Masterchef (congratulations, Steve), I've recently been inspired to give more thought to my cooking - both in terms of the meals that I already make, and also being more imaginative about flavour combinations. I thought that I'd hit upon a great idea earlier in the week - Blumenthalesque this one - crab stick yogurt!

You can imagine my disappointment then, when I discovered that the crazy boffins at Muller had got there first:

Better eat that, it's past its best before date!

Dammit! That was going to be my signature dish! You're going down like a ton of bricks!

Leeds bin strike: public opinion 'mixed'

Beware! 'Language' ahead...


A fence in Rothwell, yesterday.

I might be wrong

When municipal building doors look like music-based DVD covers #27:

Leeds Public Library...



....and (a bit of) Radiohead's 'Meeting people is easy'

She looked like the back end of a bus!

"Alright team, it's time we had a new campaign. How can we promote the brand and really engage the public? Right now we're just not getting our core message across."
"I've an idea, Mr. France"
"Call me Eric"
"Ok, Eric, this might sound odd, but hear me out. How about we get an attractive lady, in her smalls like. Now, here's the good bit, she's holding some metal cables."


"Brilliant. Starbucks?"


But! As if the ad wasn't funny enough, check out the unfortunately placed bus maintenance small print:






Must have caused some fun down at the garage.



[Edit: The writing reads, 'Emergency engine stop under flap']

Sleeping with the enemy

It would have made more sense to do this back in the time when people actually read this blog, but what the heck. In the picture is a pile of NMEs (and a few Melody Maker), pretty much weekly from 1994 - 2000. The picture was taken in my room at my parent's house over the weekend. For several years they've been asking what I'm going to do with them, and I've tended to mumble something vague in reply. It's decision time now though. They can't remain there, and there's not a chance that they will be allowed to make the journey to my new house.


So, any ideas? I'd love to hear them. Options at the moment include: converting them into blocks and burning them , selling them for peanuts on ebay or suchlike, or if I find myself with a huge amount of free time, perhaps grouping them into bundles e.g., 'Oasis', 'Blur', or the other heavyweights from that period of classic British music, 'Campag Velocet', and flogging them for slightly more peanuts to hardcore fans.

Best suggestion wins!

The winner will receive....a massive, disintegrating pile of NMEs! ;o)

Sugar, ah honey honey

Comedy graffiti of the week....judging by the subject matter, this almost sounds like it could have been written a couple of hundred years ago. I mean, the object of Sam's affection sounds positively Dickensian. Perhaps he had Pickwickian Syndrome?

Wanna be startin' something

You see that blob on the girder*? No? Try harder. It's a black redstart! The photo was taken by yours truly, in the centre of Manchester. Calm down birders, it was taken a few weeks ago. It's another lifer, to follow the dipper. Black redstarts may not be as fun to watch as dippers (and I feel a lot more self-conscious - and possibly endangered - stood in a Manchester back street staring at derelict buildings than by a river) but it's a more exciting spot as - in Britain at least - they're considerably more scarce. Interesting black redstart fact: because they live in derelict buildings, they do particularly well in wartime and periods of recession. Looks like they've departed for the year now.


* Girder en route to Glasgow for use in Irn Bru production

Deeply dippy

Another one that fell down the back of the blog sofa. Intended to put this up in May :(

Much of our recent spare time has been taken up trawling property websites and viewing houses. One of the key factors in our choosing is getting a decent garden - this year's going to be a bit of a non-event in terms of growing stuff and bird spotting (we're currently living in a 3rd floor flat in the centre of town) - and I'm excited by the prospect of seeing what wildlife we can encourage to visit.

We decided not to follow up one recent viewing, but one thing it did have in its favour was its proximity to a stream. On the way to the house, I spotted a heron and more importantly, my first dipper.


Hope to see another of these again soon - reading about them later revealed that they're a fascinating little bird, possessing the ability to walk upstream (underwater) and nesting behind waterfalls.

Some smut for the weekend, sir?

Poor Tezza Bish :(

Leave him lying in his uniform, dying in the sun

A ludicrously late follow-up to my previous SWOS blog (actually wrote this at the time but taken an age to put it up). Jon Hare gave a very enjoyable talk, telling us about the evolution of Sensible Software and the development of my 2 favourite games, Sensible Soccer and Cannon Fodder.

The afternoon culminated in a tournament and I was one of 8 volunteers to take part. We were playing the same plug and play version that I have. Dammit! Why didn't I get some practice in? I was France, drawn against Germany. I was really nervous! Losing 1-0, I smacked in an equaliser in the 89th minute (Cantona). I couldn't help myself and released a 'Yes!' and punched the air. There was no penalties option so we started a new game with Golden Goal rules - 1st goal wins. I lost. In all honesty, I was well beaten and the other guy deserved to win in normal time. It wasn't the annihilation that I'd feared though, and the guy went on to win the tournament (and then beat Jon Hare 4-0) so certainly not an embarrassing defeat.


In the Q&A that took place simultaneously with the tournament, I fear that I revealed myself as the biggest spod in the room, asking several questions. Including one about 'Sensible Trainspotting' - a demo given away on the front of Amiga Format/Power. As I admitted to the group, I think that I gave that game far more play time than it warranted. If trainspotting is considered nerdy, then what would you call playing a computerised version of it? At least you get fresh air stood at the end of a platform.

'Have you met her new boyfriend? I don't like him. He's really sleazy. You know, a bit Sony Bravia.'

Always eager to help*, I'll often complete surveys/questionnaires, particularly when there's the chance** of a prize for doing so. As a result, I found myself faced with the following heap of ridiculous, meaningless, boardroom brand buzzword bollocks:

I should have put my foot through the monitor and sent Survey Interactive the bill. Instead, I got to thinking about what would be a far more interesting and revealing survey:


* waste time
** no chance

Always in my HOUSE!

Two years on from the runaway success* of John Barry Bingo, we're doing it again. That's right, this evening we'll be getting very excited about Always in my HOUSE!** - The Pet Shop Boys concert lottery game.

Following the procedures established almost exactly two years ago, a selection from PSB's perfect pop catalogue was prepared:


and the draw was made to produce two game cards. Here's mine:


I hope Neil shows more interest tonight. And here is CP's:



For those interested in the finer details of this, I selected the tracks largely from the Pop/Art collection, plus a few from the current Yes album. Neither of us were lucky enough to pick the bankers 'Love etc.' and 'Did you see me coming?' and we both have a couple of wildcards in there (I think the chances of playing 'Se a vida e' or 'Opportunities (let's make lots of money)' are fairly remote to be honest).

It's strange that this will be the first time I have seen them perform live, because they were the first band that I got into. 'Actually' on cassette was the first album I owned, and listened to repeatedly on my first cassette player - a big red Panasonic (still going strong) - and first personal stereo - a big turquoise block from Boots (long since departed). It was around this time that I had a fall out with my best friend at primary school. He had previously said that PSB were his favourite group as well, but then in Junior Two he told everyone that Michael Jackson was his favourite. Turncoat! Everyone (by which I mean boys, the opinions of girls were of no interest to me at that time) said Michael Jackson was the best. I was never a fan of his, and probably enjoyed ploughing a lone furrow. I remember eagerly listening to the Top 40 one Sunday at my grans and cheering as 'Heart' reached Number 1. You don't get that with downloads blah blah blah.

Other memories popped up while writing this. In Junior Four, our teacher must have been experimenting with teaching methods or something as I can remember that we were able to bring music in and have it on while working at a particular table. I brought in my 'Introspective' cassette and sat down to work. The extended orchestral opening to 'Left to my own devices' was barely half a minute in when the teacher asked, with disgust, 'What's this?'. I mumbled something about it picking up in a minute and willed it to hurry through to the main bit of the song. Unrelated, I once played my gran the same track, and remember her saying as the drum machine started and the second intro bit kicked in, 'Here they come!'.



Although they've not been 'my favourite band' now for several years, I've remained a fan throughout. I really ought to have gone to their show at the Tower of London a couple of years ago and since missing that I decided that I would take the next opportunity. And as if the prospect wasn't exciting enough, there'll be added bingo!




* Well, I enjoyed it.

** I reckon Craig is the only one who will get that. Munch as an outside bet. I found it very difficult to come up with a PSB/bingo pun - can you do better?

You're a goal-scoring superstar hero...

This Sunday I'll be reacquainting myself with a childhood passion. Sensible World of Soccer, or Sensi, took up a massive proportion of my teenage years. Most games become boring once they are completed or the initial novelty disappears, but the pleasure of Sensi never waned. It isn't much to look at, as the pics will indicate, but it was so addictive that it should have been considered a Class A substance. Towards the end of my time with my Amiga 600 (around the 1st year of University and purchasing my first console), I was keeping records of statistics and successes (a quick look on the internet reveals - obviously - that there are people wayyyyy more obsessed than that). One peak that remains strong in my memory was my all-conquering Manchester City team that scored 300+ goals in a season (all competitions). It's etched in my head - I can remember the core of the team instantly. Florin Raducioiu and Ruben Sosa blasted 100 goals each, with the remaining third spread throughout the rest of the squad: Brian Laudrup (LW), Mario Basler (RW), Jose Chamot (incredible Argentinian defender - in the game anyway, no idea what he was like for real)... all playing to an attacking 3-5-2 formation. I remember enjoying the surprise of finding certain players who were amazing in the game, but could never be considered that in their real life form. The best example being Alan Kernaghan: never a particularly popular player during his time at City but he was a mainstay of my multi-title winning sides. The crucial factor was speed - he was very quick (see also: Ian Brightwell, Phil Babb) - and for me the key to success was building a super-fast team. Another highlight was the names of the loan players that would appear in your squad to replace the injured/banned. They were never real players, but appeared to be incongruent combinations of other players from across the world so would end up with brilliant names like Boudewijn Quigley or something. When I wasn't conquering the world with my MCFC team (and holding cliche-filled press conferences in my head after yet another European triumph), I was creating and updating my own teams via the Custom Teams option. School Bus, People I hate (American kids shoot up the school, I created a football team), Debenhams (colleagues from my part-time job), Tommy's Babes (hahaha....nobody else ever got to see that one. I think Sharon Stone was in net - it was circa Basic Instinct after all), Britpop (Alan McGee was coach, Kermit and Shaun Ryder from Black Grape led the attack, supported by Norman Blake and Louise Wener). The memories are flooding back as I write this.... the simple pleasure of designing the kits! I never kept a diary, but the disk containing the teams I created would tell you all you needed to know about the state of my adolescent mind.

Anyway, as I said, I'm re-immersing myself in this world on Sunday by attending a talk by one of the creators of Sensi (+ other genius games like Cannon Fodder), Jon Hare. Apparently there'll be a tournament too, with the chance to play against JH himself. I'm tempted to give it a go, but fearful that I won't be as good as I thought I was (it's been 10 years!) and will be soundly thrashed by true hardcore SWOS ninjas. Besides, I'd be without my lucky joystick*.

Happy days.



and while we're at it:




* Last year I did get a TV plug in version of Sensi - it's good but I just can't get used to playing with a joypad.

"Maid required. Must be prepared to do a whole lot more than ironing"

While away I enjoyed checking out the latest Malayan news in the papers that were available in the hotels and aeroplanes. Depressingly, the main sports stories were ALWAYS about the EPL (English Premier League), while the major news story was the change to a new Prime Minister, which was occurring while we were out there. The papers were always full of subservient full-page ads from the directors of various companies, either thanking the outgoing PM for his wonderful work for the good of Malaysian people, or congratulating the new PM on his appointment and wishing him every success.

While flicking through the April 8 edition of the Star (the one with the best cartoons), and scanning the readers letters, I came across the following:

Tombolablog's advice to all prospective maids: If he suggests you polish his family jewels, it's time to leave

Wowser! What kind of service does 'Swan' expect??? Come on Fomema, get your act together and scan all maids for herpes. And while you're at it, only employ ones with big tits.

THE BEST POUND EVER SPENT

Amazing.

Been around the world and I - I - I - I....

...had an amazing time. Thanks!

Ok, didn't really go around the world: just to Malaysia and Borneo. How times change - back in 2006 I was filling this page with regular updates about the minutiae of trying to find a chip shop, or carrying too much stuff back from the supermarket. Now I do proper big stuff like get married and move city and the blogging compulsion deserts me. I apologise for the absence, especially now that I see that this blog has a follower (hello, whoever you may be). Crazy times!

Here's a quick snap from Langkawi*. More to follow!


* any resemblance to the flag raising at Iwo Jima shot is purely intentional

Dear Points of View....

"I'd run out of notelets so I used a door instead."

Note the response in blue at the bottom, possibly from Ms. Kelly's mum.

WHILE STOCKS LAST

Following the sell-out success of O'Connor-in-my-pocket late last year, Tombolablog Inc. are proud to present the very limited edition* CP-30** action figure. With glowing eyes apparently.





* a limited edition of 1

** the name of the figure will be obsolete, both in terms of initials, and numbers, by the middle of next week. Tombolablog Inc. accepts no responsibility for any distress or upset that this may cause.

Breaking news: Rumours intenstify over imminent Transformers battle

...as Optimus Prime is spotted in Derbyshire


Yeah, the day before my wedding - I probably have better things to be doing!

Twin peeks

Unbelievably, it has been suggested that the toy advertised on here before Christmas was not real, and was all just some clever computer jiggery-pokery. Let me assure you, that the product is entirely genuine, as the following photographic evidence will attest.

Wander about town:
Bicycle trip:



Jungle adventure:

Support your local shops

We here at Tombolablog are very much opposed to the relentless homogenisation of the High Street (don't get me started on out of town retail/'entertainment' parks).

So with that in mind, we hereby pledge that from this day forward we will only purchase our cash registers from here (showroom visits by prior appointment only):


20% off retro tills with a Wedge card*

Not only that, but we will be satisfying all of our faux-lawn requirements here:


I give it 6 months :(


* not really, I'm being silly