A TOMBOLABLOG EXCLUSIVE: this Christmas’s MUST-HAVE gift

Dec 2008:
From the vaults of Tombolablog.... this one has been 'on the needles' for even longer than my knitting projects. Unbelievably, the PhD paper it refers to [below] actually got published (not just written, published) several months before this sees the light of day. Incredible. I can't help thinking now that this would have been better back in 2006. Back when blogs were popular. My excuse for holding it back was that I wanted to make the graphics better. I think you'll agree, the wait was worth it! Hmmm.

Anyway, here we go. This was written around March 2007:

Since December 2005, an ever-present feature on my to-do lists has been 'write papers from PhD' [and this blog entry has been on the to-do list since October 2006, To-do list Ed.]. Despite a couple of false starts, the papers remain in pretty much the same state they were back in January 2006. Back in March 2006, my PhD supervisor was down in London to give a seminar. We went out afterwards and I was - as always - inspired by his energy and enthusiasm. I've not spoken to him in person since then and the papers still seem as far from completion as ever.

What I need, it seems, is some way of harnessing his motivational skills, somehow replicating his impact on me, even when he's nowhere near... If only I had some way of doing this.....

And now I do! Thanks to O'CONNOR-IN-MY-POCKET!TM

'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM is your magical motivational friend! Small enough to fit inside any pocket or pencil case, he can be used to perk up flagging scientific journal articles, and boost even the dullest meta-analysis.

A gentle tug on the hair of 'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM triggers one of three fantastic, inspirational phrases!

• "Happy days!"
• "Thanks for playing!"
• "Angel of Harlem!"

'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM comes with an exciting range of collectable accessories, including:

• Camper shoes
• Bottle of Evian
• White shirt with stripes on that looks like one that Tom wears
• A guitar*

SPECIAL OFFER! Purchase one 'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM before the end of the year and get a free 'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM twin!


This Christmas, get the impact factor you've always dreamed of with 'O'Connor-in-my-pocket' TM, new from Tombolablog Inc.

* Tombolablog Inc. cannot be held responsible for any occasion that 'O'Connor-in-my-pocket'TM malfunctions and plays its guitar loudly outside your room all night.

Supermarket black hole

Performing in front of millions on the Strictly Come Dancing results show is one thing, but that was evidently just the warm up gig before tonight's appearance at Colliers Wood Sainsburys/M&S megastore:



Am I alone in thinking that he's actually not a particularly strong singer? Tombolablog's favourite Barrowman moment remains the time when we were enjoying a bout of late-night channel hopping and stumbled onto QVC to find the multi-talented* entertainer live on the phone, gushing effusively about the magic of Lock 'n Lock food storage receptacles.




* As if singing, acting and judging others singing and acting wasn't enough, Tombolablog once heard a rumour that he's hung like a rogue elephant too.

Sunflowers with faces? Gone. Bird on cat head? Gone.

In the end we decided to set the alarm for 0120, in order to get a bus at 0200. Warm in bed, at that moment sitting shivering on the streets of Kensington was a marginally less attractive proposition than embarking on a pleasure cruise around the Horn of Africa. But get up we did and after some night bus fun (everyone else was heading home from nights out), we got to the RCA by 0300. I'd avoided thinking about how many people might be there already but was pretty surprised to find so many tents and sleeping bags lined up outside.


Wrapped in as many layers as we could comfortably fit in, we then spent the next four hours reading books and periodically walking about in order to try and regain the feeling in our feet. Others had brought drinks and chairs and were making a party of it. I'm just glad that Claire thought to bring cushions to sit on. At least it wasn't snowing.

Gradually, the sun came up, the tents came down and people got ready to enter the building. At this point there was lots of checking and rechecking of the postcard list. Immediately in front of us in the queue was a rather cocksure German (is there any other kind? National Stereotyping Ed.). He was confidently claiming that he knew exactly which one was the Anish Kapoor, which was a Turner Prize winner etc. etc. His girlfriend was one of the lucky 50 to win raffle tickets to be first in the queue, and she was going to get these for him.

The queue inched forward through the building and towards the sales desk. We estimated that we were in the first 150 or so and at this point I was holding out some hope of getting at least one of my top targets (a Quentin Blake, which were fairly easy to spot, or perhaps one by Nick Park, ditto). While in the final stages of the queue, there were two screens showing the numbers turning red as they were sold. We'd brought a list of ~150 cards that we liked, with about 25 each as our top targets. What followed was the most disheartening game of bingo possible, as numbers were routinely crossed from our lists and the prospect grew of us getting to the front and just picking any old number that was still available. The Blakes were gone early, along with the couple of oil paintings of London views, as was a cartoony one of a lion and a rabbit (that turned out to be Paul Smith).

There were a few salespeople so once one became vacant it was a case of saying numbers as fast as possible before someone else bagged them. Happily, three from our prime list were still there so we captured those. We emerged to find the enormous queue disappearing around the building (and smirked as we spotted some guy who'd tried to push in at 8am, now way back down the line).

We were back home by 1030, and saved the suspense of revealing until then. No amazing big names worth thousands but all ones that we liked so happy days. It was then a case of sitting by the radiator to try and warm up again.

It was an exciting and stressful experience and I'm really glad that we did it and got there early. Also very glad that we put the time in and made a long list of the ones we liked - to have got to the desk and end up having to pick one virtually at random would have been a big waste of time. Reflecting on it afterwards, we decided:
a. getting there a couple of hours earlier would have made very little difference - many hardcore people had been there for a long, long time
b. choosing ones you actually like to look at is the best strategy - pinning your hopes on something that you don't actually like, simply because it might be by someone famous is a waste of time. I'd had a [quick] go at guessing which ones were by Grayson Perry, Tracey Emin and John Squire and, predictably, they weren't. I had a feeling that the doodles of Barack Obama might be by a big name and now slightly regret not getting one after discovering they were by Alex Katz and were available when we were buying.
c. going with your heart set on one or two particular cards would be pretty much pointless
I'm not sure that giving away the first 50 places in a raffle is the best thing as 200 cards could be gone (individuals can buy up to four cards each) before the first person in the queue could have a go, no matter how long they'd been queueing for.

Anyway, here's one that featured highly on both of our lists and we were delighted to get:



Epilogue.
By last night the RCA website revealed who each of the cards was by. Amusingly, we discovered that the German's assertions were mistaken.

I'll sell you a secret for a song

What will you be doing this evening? Probably not standing outside all night, in a queue, I'd wager. Tomorrow morning, at 8am, sees the sale of the works in this year's RCA Secret exhibition. For those who don't know the event, a load of artists are given a blank postcard and asked to do what they want with it. The majority of these (I think) are this year's RCA graduates, but cards are also produced by big name artists. They all cost the same price to buy, but you don't know whose work it is until you've bought it and taken a look at the back. Hardcore aficionados will try and spot the ones by the big names and then sell them for a big profit.

A couple of years ago we made a rather half-hearted attempt to get a card, arriving at about 10.30am to find a queue snaking its way around the RCA, and for hundreds of metres beyond. This time we're taking it seriously, and debating at what time to get there and hit the queue. Night bus trip and 4am? How about get the last tube and be there by 1am? With this in mind, it's with a certain amount of dread that we've been watching the weather forecast over the last few days, with everyone banging on about imminent sub-zero conditions.

We've spent some time looking at the collection (there are 2700 cards) and making a list of the ones we liked. Neither of us know enough about specific artists to actually try and work out which ones are by Tracey Emin, Grayson Perry etc., we're just looking for ones that we'd be happy to hang on a wall and if they happen to be worth loads, even better.

I'll report back tomorrow with how we got on. Perhaps.

Lazy 'amusing' foreign shop name blog

You wouldn't find this on a British high street....it would be called 'Scope Coiffure' instead. Hang on, that actually sounds like a trendy hair cuttery. I can imagine Andreas working there.

But just imagine the taunts if you had your hair cut at Spazio's while you were at school! There'd be a picture of Joey Deacon in the window for sure. For a long time I got mine cut at 'Waves and Curls' which is where my mum went. If anyone at school asked where I got my hair cut (and they often did, as I looked mighty fine), I would lie and mumble something about not knowing what it was called or something and then change the subject. The place was fine - of course - there just came a point when I started to twig that it might be a bit embarrassing getting spotted in there. But! I never succumbed to the popular ultra-shaved spikey look, and for that I am truly grateful.

Let's call this the comeback

Alright, it's been a while etc. etc. Happy autumn. What better way than returning with some cheap innuendo?

I've recently come to the opinion that I work in the smuttiest place in the country. May I draw your attention to Exhibit A:



















Blimey. Maybe it interferes with the equipment or something.

And Exhibit B:



















I'll leave that one to you.


No further questions, your Honour.


It's good to be back :)

Taste the difference

Insects and beasties dwelling inside a peach might be enchanting when read in a children's book. But when you cut into your freshly bought supermarket produce (Taste the Difference? I nearly did), it's not quite as appealing.

World, the time has come to...

...push the button

















That's a real life TV quiz show buzzer.

Monday 15th Sep, BBc4, 8.30pm.

Papa's got a brand new camera

and - oh my - it does nifty things!

You're twisting my melons man....

Time for a belated garden update!

Is it Harvest Festival time soon?

Well there's no need to dig out a mouldy old tin from the back of the cupboard, because we'll be able to contribute some of our homegrown bounty.

After abandoning the growbag of death (it killed virtually everything that was planted in it), new runner beans were planted in pots and have been as successful as last year. Hurrah!

Our first potato crop wasn't quite the success I was hoping for, but we did get a few out of it and still have another two bags to dig up. Also in the potato bag was this scary clump of alien eggs.

Peppers are growing, just very slowly.

The time? Tomatoes o'clock.

But my attention has mainly been on melons. Write your own joke. After a few started sprouting from the wormery (more on that another day, probably), I tried growing them properly in home-made plastic milk bottle pots. To my surprise and delight, two out of three are doing really well and flowering. CP refuses to believe that I can actually get an edible melon from it but I'm optimistic! The third one would have been doing fine too if it hadn't been chomped at by a slug. It was probably looking for cigarettes, eh Moon?

A bad hair cut, your gut feels like you've eaten much too much

Getting your barnet chopped can be a really traumatic experience, I feel more nervous sat in that chair than I do in any dental surgery. My current choice of barbers is "Mr Topper's", mainly because it's cheap and I'd got sick of paying £25 to an over-chatty cockney near London Bridge. There are loads of them in central London, with 4 on or just off Tottenham Court Road alone. The titular Mr Toppers is of course a nattily attired frog. His shops have red and white tadpoles outside them. I made that one up myself. Pictured is one of the many branches on Tottenham Court Road, right next door to where Moon hawks her mucky wares.

I'm pretty unadventurous when it comes to coiffeury. Choosing between the #4 or the #5 razor is about as exciting as it gets. One time in Leeds I was given a half-price voucher to get my hair done in a proper swish studio. Ok, I thought, let's go for something different here. If I'm ever going to get a trendy 'do' then this is surely the time to do it. These people must really know what they're doing. It was a bizarre and awkward experience. The main man was called Andreas. Check out that card! [I found this the other day when rooting through yet another box of jumbled crap that I've accumulated over the years].














Look at him! Is he plucking out hairs one by one? He looks like he's in panto. The sculpted facial hair! And what is an 'artist hair technician'? Or is it supposed to be 'artist', 'technician', and, er, 'hair'? British hairdressing team member! London 2012 here they come. Why the apostrophe after the name?

To be honest I don't think I really tested his artist hair technician skills to the max. He zoomed around behind me on his stool (which was a bit like a space hopper on wheels. I wanted to have a go), looking at my head from different angles, lifting bits of hair up, tilting his head a bit....no doubt considering a massive array of different stylish cuts. Occasionally he would pause to snap at one of his young female assistants. His opening gambit: "Ok, I'm thinking we shave it really short from the front, and work back leaving it longer as we go". "Hmm....," my face wrinkled up, indicating that I wasn't totally enthused by that option. Andreas sensed my apathy and considered some more, probably stroking his immaculate beardy bits. "Right...something asymmetrical, I think that could look good. Short on the left side, but leaving it long on the right, down over your face." Increasingly uncomfortable, I mumbled, "ermm...I'm not sure...don't think so....". I think Andreas began to sense that I wasn't really the kind of customer he wanted or required as his muse. "Ok, do you have any ideas?"

"Erm...I was thinking more short back and sides."

I got a functional, smart cut (£25! half price!). He must have been disgusted! To him it must have felt like getting Elle McPherson to model a burkha. At least we parted on a positive note: "After I've cut your hair a couple of times I'll have a real feel for it and know more about how your hair works. Then we can do something really good." "Cool, that sounds good."

Six years on, I am yet to return.

Only Regret

Fancy an exclusive sneak preview of BBC 4's autumn season....

This is going out to a very small number of people

I was thinking over the weekend that if, say, Mark Hopkins lived in a chip shop and was trying to sell the place, then he would have to put together one of those new Home Information Packs. And that would be called

Hip Hop's Chip Shop HIPS


Splendid.

Where in the world, CP world

Tombolablog is proud to introduce a new game, and one that you can play at home!

In the classic style of 'Where's Wally?', your task is to find CP. This time she is somewhere in the Markt, Bruges. Have fun!


Also try to find:

- A group of Hari Krishnas

- An abandoned pushchair

- An odd looking bike


[Note to self: if this is going to ever appear again, you must take more pictures from up towers while CP hangs about at the bottom]

There's a whole lot of good in those little owls

As I said below, I'm trying to focus on more wholesome pursuits on here at the moment. So how about an exceedingly poor* nature photo? Believe it or not, that dot on the branch is a Little Owl, and I was very excited to have spotted it. And that's a Little Owl as in the species, not just a little owl. Which it also is.

I then tried to improvise a makeshift telephoto lens, using my busted binoculars.


Not really worth the effort, was it?


*my mock Maths GCSE paper was returned with the words 'many exceedingly poor answers'. While I was a bit downhearted and fired up to do better in the real thing, I still couldn't help chuckling at the thought of Mr Kipling frowning at my appalling use of trigonometry.

Kicking television

Apologies for that chocolate-based nastiness. Time for more wholesome things on here I think.

First, some exciting news! Those who enjoyed Tombola's appearance on Eggheads last year will no doubt be delighted to learn that another TV quiz appearance is on the cards. Here's an exclusive behind the scenes reminder of what the last one looked like:

and as we appeared in the nation's living rooms:


Filming of the BRAND NEW! show takes place in Cardiff next week. Watch this space.....

Free Tibet (with 10 ring pulls)

Tombolablog's hopes were raised and rapidly dashed by Freecycle this week. An email dropped into the inbox with the title:

"Freecycle: offered Hardcore"

Apparently, hardcore can also be the term used to describe a clay-based substance that you could use for laying a path.

:(


I'll stop talking about Freecycle soon I promise, but this message from last night was another highlight:

Hi All,

I am in desperate need of a small car that i can drive from A to B with my energetic two year old son. MOT and Roadtax can be paid, if you have any car you do not need any more please let me know.

Yeah. Good luck with that.


Anyway, back to hardcore....

Tombolablog went to Bruges and all he got me was this lousy confectionary biff

Tombolablog recently went on a weekend Eurostar jaunt to the lovely Belgian city of Bruges. I could write here about the many picturesque canals, the vast array of exotically named and headbangingly potent beers, or the stunning medieval architecture. And at some point I might actually do that. I could even recount the sickening anecdote about being spat on [that'll be what they mean by Flemish]* but I'm not sure I want to ever think of that again. Never. However, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that I'll kick off this travelogue (should I say travelblog, hem hem) with something puerile.

Here is the shop front from one of the many chocolate & gift shops on one of the main shopping streets of Bruges:















Ay caramba! Let's take a closer look at that shall we?











Oh my! I like the way the rabbit on the right is staring so intently at that. I don't know what 'Zoete Kutjes' means but it might be fun to find out.



Who made the mould for that?






That'll be the chocolate money shot! Eh? EH?














No wonder CP looks so appalled.








* sorry Robson, there was no way I was letting that one go!

Free Barry Bulsara (with 10 ring pulls)

Tombolablog is a recent convert to the sharing world of Freecycle. I signed up as I was about to bin an old wheelie trolley bag but instead of chucking it in the canal or something*, I offered it on Freecycle and someone else found a home for it. I've been amazed by just how much is on offer though: had I needed to, I could have kitted out a house within a month. Seriously, among loads of other things, in my local area alone has been offered: beds (single, double, futon), cookers, fridge freezers, shelving units, DVD players, videos, books, clothes, vacuum cleaners...someone recently asked if anyone had a geopathic stress neutraliser going spare. Well, anyone? I'm still trying to get my hands on a lolly making set - somebody must have beaten me to that. You'd never need buy anything again. The highlight so far though, has to be this offer of boy's underpants:

"They are in very good condition as my son was actually too big for them and only wore them a few times. They are clean (no skid marks) and have been washed."

Aren't similar items available from Japanese vending machines?

* of course not

How do you like them apples?

Peppers!









Potatoes!









Tomatoes!







Runner beans!

Bird's dead revisited

Tombolablog was in the Notting Hill area of town at the weekend and decided to make a short detour to the site of a rather macabre and gruesome event from last year: the bizarre, and, to this day, unresolved hanging of a pigeon in a churchyard. If you wish, you can read the original posts here and here.

This is how the site looked on Saturday. Not surprisingly there was no sign of a skeleton still swinging from the bough.




















Yeah, alright. This is a far from interesting entry, but I was proud of the title, ok?

Ah...so you're a waffle man!

In these days of ever-increasing types and varieties of foods, eating out can be a tricky business. Foccacia, rye, soda, ciabatta, baguette.... even something as seemingly simple as selecting an accompaniment for your soup can now become a nerve-shredding, anxiety-inducing dilemma.

Hats off, then, to the Yorkshire restaurant that harks back to less complex times:

If there's a sadder sight in the world than this, I'm yet to see it

May I recommend the rather smashing dumplings?

Fnarr fnarr!

Would you care for a piece of breast, sir?

[Spotted in Derry]

Whose Who's Who?

How exciting! I've been approached to appear in Who's Who!


















I can't make that any bigger unfortunately so assuming you don't have microscopic sight, click on it to see it more legibly.

Quite impressive eh? They're keen too - I have received two of these now. I wonder which of my many feats and individual achievments are being recognised here? Perhaps taking 2 years to knit a scarf? Or maybe the peak reached last weekend when I somehow shut the fridge door on my own head. Nah, CP said she wouldn't tell anyone about that. Maybe it's just for services to blogging.

I like the disclaimer at the end though: 'Madison Who's Who is not associated or affiliated with Marquis Who's Who or any other Who's Who'. Glad they cleared that up.

Whatever you are doing on Saturday, cancel it

...and get down to Brixton Academy. Unless of course, you have already got your ticket for this:


DAVID ICKE: EXPOSING THE DREAMWORLD WE BELIEVE TO BE REAL - THE BRIXTON ACADEMY, MAY 24TH

David will be presenting his information in a seven-hour talk at the Brixton Academy in London on Saturday, May 24th. It will involve hundreds of illustrations and supporting material and include his latest information and insights into the world the public never see.

Two years ago this event sold out in advance and interest in David's work has soared since then.

****

Awesome. Seven hours! For more details, why not pop over to Mr Icke's website.

Looks like it's sold out sadly. I missed out last time he was in Brixton too, back in May 2006, which I also got excited about here. Next time....

Why the long face? Because you're a tw@t

Earlier in the year I got a bit hot under the collar about an irritating, hateful advert plastered across the Underground click this and scroll down a bit to read the original item + my slightly embarrassing cop out chat with one of the advertising bods responsible. I did wimp out of really venting myself for paranoid fear of getting in some kind of legal difficulties. However, one man who really really didn't hold back at all is Richard Herring. His no-holds barred, splenetic view of the advert is here. Tombolablog on the pulse, as always. Herring wrote that in February.


Happily, I've not seen the ad for quite some time.

Parker planted a purple pepper

I know what you've been thinking:

'Hey Tombola, after the success of your gardening adventures last summer, what will you be trying this year?'

Funny you should ask! We've been busy recently starting work on some new home grown veg. While not having as much room as we did in Brixton, our new place does have a small garden and we've been able to get a few things going. There doesn't seem anywhere obvious to get record-breaking sunflowers going this time around. My attempt to wrest the title from Ak may have to wait.

A couple of weeks ago we got things underway indoors, planting tomatoes, peppers (new for 2008!), and, excitingly, some of the runner beans that were kept from last year's crop. The circle of life indeed.



Our bathroom windowsill, last week.






At the weekend I got creative with another growbag, this time putting together a cane / twine trellis combo that I'm rather proud of.







I also took some precautionary anti-pest measures, involving some pretty unpleasant wire reclaimed from a disposable BBQ (shredding my fingers in the process). Slugs will need to be Steve McQueen on a motorbike to get past that.



Look out for more thrilling horticulture hi-jinks over the coming weeks, vegetable fans!

Come on, cops....

Haven't you got anything better to do? You know, like stopping people stabbing each other or something?